9-16-2015 POST SURGERY UPDATE!

You read that correct and if you follow my facebook you know that I had my surgery! I am now the proud owner of a smaller gastric sleeve. Apparently the second surgeon that they wanted to have there just in case, wasn't needed and he just operated the video camera through the entire thing (I have not seen the video). The physician assistant who saw me in the hospital told me that everything went very well and seemed to go by the book. They repaired a hiatal hernia while they were in there and I was out pretty quickly.

This was my first real surgery. I don't really count my wisdom teeth being taken out or the little procedure on my toe as surgery. So this was an entirely new experience for me. I ended up going in bright and early and got there at 5 o'clock.  They took me into the shot term stay area where they took my vitals and got me ready for the surgery and all of that fun stuff. I also got the most adorable red socks and it was awesome. I love my red socks. I then was taken into the surgery room and there were a lot of people in there and I remember getting put on the bed and then pretty much from there I was out.

The next thing I knew I was in my hospital room and they almost immediately had me drinking fluids. They also gave me this little cup of ice with a sponge on a stick to rub around in my mouth to moisten it. I called it my water popsicle stick. I was in and out a lot on the first day, but they had me sitting up fairly soon. I also ended up getting woken up all the time, but it all ended up being okay.

Next day I was on protein shakes and they gave me some tomato soup and by early afternoon I was on my way home. All in all I was in the hospital less than thirty six hours. Apparently I was a model patient and the surgery went through fine. I went into this expecting there to be a tone of complications, but so far, knock on wood, there are none. I ended up sleeping that afternoon when I got back and then woke up middle of the night. I went back to sleep and today I am back in the swing of things.

I am surprised at how well my pain is controlled, it isn't so bad. It flares up and I have a hard time moving, but i'm able to get up and walk around the house slowly and I am able to do most of my drinking okay. However, they want me to take in 195 grams of protein a day and I figured out in order to do it it will take 12 hours of just drinking protein shakes at a rate of 1 oz every 15 minutes (the rate they want me to drink). For those who are curious why they want me at 195 grams of protein a day, it comes from a calculation of my body weight x .3 and the result is the grams of protein I should have. As I lose weight this number will go down, but for now that is a massive number and I am not sure I can do it. I also need to get in liquids like water as well. I can get a lot of this from the protein shakes, but I need some on its own as well.  It's going to take some work to balance out.

The other big thing that I am struggling with is my pills. I can't swallow any pills bigger than 5 millimeters in diameter. I tried to swallow my aspirin which is 7 mm in diameter and it hurt for the next hour or so. (in fact it still hurts, it's part of what prompted this retrospective). I'm going to have to cut up a lot of pills. In the hospital I tried eating a bit of this pudding of a flavor I don't know what it is with all of my meds chopped up and ground and mixed into it, but I couldn't tolerate it. The taste was really off. I think it was a vanilla or tapioca, which I can't tolerate anyway. We ended up picking up some sugar free chocolate pudding and those pills I can't just cut into a smaller size to take, we'll try grinding up in bits of that and see how it goes. Next step beyond this will be seeing if the doctor can find us liquid versions of any of these. Thankfully, in time my med needs will be going down and thus I won't have as big of an issue. But what was already 20-25 meds a day, when you consider more than half of them need to be cut in two (or more. my iron supplement is in quarters) that's a lot of pills I have to swallow.

In time my stomach size will grow until it is about the size of a tennis ball and when that happens, I'll be able to take in a bit more pills and things like that and my rates of eating will increase until i'm on a more normal schedule. But for right now, for the next 4-6 weeks, it's going to be a lot of careful balancing the whole way through. There are no regrets though. This was what we needed to do, this is what I needed to do. Perhaps it's just a trick of the imagination, but there are parts of my skin where already it seems like it is starting to shrivel up and become looser. I'm taking in next to know calories at the moment and that is going to pay dividends early. Just can't get too attached to this rate of weight loss.

photo credit: three day's in hospital with the not so little one... via photopin (license)

9-5-2015 A Letter to Fat Shamers (Warning: Language)

Dear Fat Shamers,

You are right. Oh how right you are. I am fat. I am a lard ass. I am a fat ass. Hell, I'm just a plain old ass. I've let myself go, my body has gone to all sorts of hell. My weight has gone up and down so many times you would think that it had a yo-yo sponsorship. I can't help but get out of breath when I walk even a minimal distance to you.

I am disgusting. I know it, I see it in the mirror every day. I know how hard it must be for you to look at me. I have a hard enough time looking at myself and I only have to deal with that every now and then. I get it in just bits and pieces, what will fit in the mirror or what I see when I look down. I haven't seen my feet in years.

It's all my fault. You are right, it is all my fault. I let myself get this way. I am the master of my own destiny and I should have had the self control to stop myself from getting this way. I didn't need to eat the extra food. It's just SO EASY. I'm doing it to myself. I should know better. Those commercial's, they aren't for me. They are for you, for those who can handle it. I should know better than to pay attention.

I'm sorry for getting in your way. The world wasn't built for me and I know that. On the plain I should buy more seats. Or better yet I shouldn't even be on the plane. I know, fat people, we just sweat more, we stink more and we shouldn't be an inconvenience to you and the other people on the plane who have paid for it. How dare we? You are right though, when I do go out I should get a beeper, just to let people know when I'm backing up. I've never heard that one before. You are both witty and insightful.

I know you care for me. You only say this because you want to help me. If I just acted better, you wouldn't have to treat me like the human filth that I am. I know what trash I am. When I wake up in the morning I remind myself of it every day. Of what this is doing to my friends and my family. The pain that what I am, of who I am is causing them. I see it when they drink themselves to bed every night. I see it when they smoke to get away from me. It's my fault. I've done this to them.

And I know, I know that because I am fat, my opinion, my words aren't worth a damn. I mean why should it? I've already proven just how shitty I am. You've shown me the light. And even though I am three or even four times the person that you are, your opinion is worth twice as much, because you've got it all going for you.

You've never had to deal with the things I have.

You've never woken up with a great weight on your chest, being unable to breath.

You've never been in such great physical pain that sometimes it's a wonder you can even move.

You've never had every mistake thrown in your face day in and day out by people who don't even know you.

You've never had everyone look at you WHENEVER you eat like you've KILLED their favorite pet.

You've never realized that no one will ever be a worse critic than yourself.

You've never fought and failed and then had to try and fight again.

Your life is SO FUCKING EASY that you have enough time to come down from your ivory tower to tell ME how messed up MY life is as if it is some new god damned revelation.

You know who fat shaming is for at the end of the day? For you and this uncivil culture we have that acknowledges bullying is wrong, yet somehow thinks it's okay as long as it's against the socially unacceptable. You know, that article you read about that guy who farted in the face of that kid who was a brat to his mother, because he's a real hero! He's putting that kid in his place, bullying the brat who needs to change his life, to get him to change it! Or how about that guy who posed as target customer service to troll and insult at all of the people who got upset when Target removed gender from it's toy and linen departments. He was great, getting at all of those intolerant jerks! It's all in good fun and funny, so it's okay! Lets cheer them on! You are there just trying to have a laugh, or point out how stupid they are, point out their faults and maybe that will fix them. Maybe you will really fix me and my life. Because obviously...

 I'm the one who has that empty life.

I'm the one who is wasting my life.

I'm the one who is wasting everyone's time.

You know... some days, you actually have me believing it.

And I know you are sitting to yourself thinking that I don't get it.

Or you are sitting there wondering where the talk of incivility comes from given my cursing?

The thing is... I do get it. I do know.

The point is that you don't know ME. The -real- me.

You -may- well be trying to help.

But you aren't.

Food addiction is REAL.

My pain is REAL.

My life is REAL.

I deserve as much respect as anyone else.

Before you go casting those stones, imagine how you would feel if someone did this to YOU. Without knowing your story.

photo credit: SHAME! via photopin (license)