10/26/2015 Changes (Trigger Warning: Suicide Discussion)

Boy are there a lot of changes so far. Sorry for the long delay in posting on here about the surgery. Things have been busy with recovery and follow up appointments. First the news about the surgery and then we'll get into the bulk of the topic I wanted to discuss today.

The surgery was a resounding success. The doctors called it one of the easiest sleeves they have ever done, despite my size. Very little in the way of  complications and I was off of meds rather quickly. In fact things were going so well that for a while I was wondering when the other shoe would drop. About 2 weeks in it happened. I ended up getting a UTI. I didn't have a catheter during the surgery (that I know of) so it wasn't from that. It was probably from infrequent urination from not drinking enough. I did end up having a catheter from that one which... sucked. I had some bad reactions to the liquid meds so I ended up taking solid pills there after and it was fine. But I ended up with a second UTI about a week after the first which had a different bacteria causing it. That's all taken care of though.

On the weight side of thing, I'm down to 569 as of the 8th of this month. They expect me to be down another 50 pounds by the 12th of next month (potentially) so things are on good track there. Physically I've been feeling a lot better, being more flexible and the like. I've been getting more headaches but that side of things is going well.

What I wasn't prepared for is the sheer emotional side of things. I was riding a high for a good long while, but about 3 weeks in I had a severe crash. Those of you on my facebook may have noticed my talks about profound sadness and the like. Things got really bad and have been really bad emotionally. My mood is all over the place. At times I'm perfectly fine and happy go lucky and then without a moments notice I've been crying.

The good news is... I'm not feeling quite as terrible as things were in college. I've not been dealing with the same level of suicidal tendencies I was there. I've had the occasional thought crop up, but I've managed to push them aside pretty well. Still, because there have been such things, I've vacated my room of all medicine except my daily medication containers. I have removed the bulk of the meds to prevent any rash emotional decisions in case I get worse. I don't think anything is going to happen. I really just mention it here because I wanted to take a moment to encourage anyone who even has the occasional thought. Talk to someone, it can help. And if you have the occasional thought, consider removing the things that could potentially be an avenue for you to do something. Remove sharp objects and lock them away in a drawer, similarly lock away your medicines. If you make it harder to get to, it acts as a physical barrier against a terrible thing. There is help and contacting a crisis line can be beneficial.

Needless to say, I've been dealing with a lot of this. My therapist is coming over a lot more and I've started going in to see a therapist in my doctor's clinic and my doctor is putting me in contact with a psychiatrist to deal with med management. Right now I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. We are focusing right now on getting it to where I can sleep as poor sleep and nightmares make just all the physical and emotional problems worse.

What also isn't helping, the last big change that I wanted to discuss, is that I feel like I'm going through a second puberty. As a warning, this could develop into TMI things so if you haven't been scared away by my sharing yet, well this is your last shot to look away.

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Okay so the first thing I noticed is I am getting harrier. It isn't so much effecting my arms as it is my legs, especially my thighs. But also, mostly in the groin area. I mean dear god it snuck up on me until I was finally like, what the hell, it's a forest down there (hence the picture with this article). I mean, I've never had issues with it in the past, but today for the first time I thought, 'shit, I need to shave down there too'. At the very least, I think I need to give it a trim.

This has also come with it the -other- aspect of puberty and that is the fact that my libido has felt off the charts. I mean, I've always been a romantic and longed for love, but those who knew me knew I've always been painfully shy and all of that so rarely acted upon things. Right now it feels all a lot more intense and it's been a bit rough at times. I've found myself being flirtier with people, which then is making me feel super awkward.

Also I don't know if this is what is going on, but my testes have been getting in the way a lot more. It could be that weight loss has just stopped... pressing them in with my fat and keeping them in place. Or maybe they are just hanging down lower, but I've gone to sit a couple of times and started to smash them. I've become increasingly worried about hurting them. I may have to, as soon as I can, switch back to briefs just to keep things nice and snug and secure.

I think it all comes down to testosterone. My body was used to making testosterone for a man who was about 850 pounds a year ago. In a year I've lost almost 300 pounds. Even if my body adjusted gradually through a lot of that, I've lost over 80 pounds in the last month alone. My body is producing a lot of extra testosterone than what it is used to pound for pound and that could be causing these effects. I'm not sure if it will even out or when it will even out, but for right now, it's making things awkward.

There just have overall been a lot of physical and emotional changes. Some are definitely for the better, others are requiring more work to get through, but they will be got through I think.

photo credit: Bosque en Acadia via photopin (license)