I made myself a promise that I would do my best to update twice a week and here I am. That's a plus right there in my book, I managed to remember it. I've been finding of late that my mind is scatter brained. I think it's because I'm getting old. (birthday was last Friday, more on that later). This is a valuable tool for me to be able to express what is going on with my program and be able to vent issues that I might not necessarily be able to.
Honestly, I think that is one of the biggest problems I've had to deal with, properly venting and expressing my emotions and dealing with them. I grew up attending the school of suppression and trying to keep everything locked away and ignore it. Invariably it would get out eventually in some way. Sometimes it would be in passive aggressive behavior (something I think happens a lot in my family in general) and other times I've turned to food. Food is a great sedative, soothing the nerves and as a reward to make ones self feel better. The problem is, that isn't healthy. One can very easily become dependent on that food high and that is what leads to addiction. That is one thing where I have to be very very careful with it. I don't want to cut out special foods entirely, I think that will make me get -way- too antsy, but I need to have them as a nice, once in a while treat, not to eat away my pain. I think I am doing better on that point, but there are always going to be times when it crops up.I hope though, that as time goes on, that urge can be lessened and lessened until it is easier to say no.
Fridays, as usual, are my cheat days and we did something a little more special this Friday. We ordered pizza from Pizza Schmizza, a local place that I love and we bought some appetizers from the store. It was weird, because I think my mother ate more than I did. We both commented that I ate less in two sittings that day (we started off around noon and let it go into evening so had the same food for dinner) than I used to eat in one sitting. It's a great step and shows that I am slowly reducing the amount I eat even on these days when I allow myself to eat more. I am making progress there.
The next day, because I had taken a break from most of my exercises the previous day, I felt great, rejuvenated and hit my exercises in stride. things seemed to be going pretty well.I was doing well, my mood was great. I was pumped and ready to keep on everything. Then there was a bit of miscommunication at home. My walking path that evening was very very crowded with animals and things and I asked if we could move my mother's walker when it was blocking my wheelchair (my home base where I sit between sets of laps) and she got upset and made a comment about not being allowed to have anything anywhere. Which just isn't the case. She's upset because our house is crowded and she is sharing a room with my sister and they don't have a lot of space in there and it wasn't directed at me and was momentary. But the part of my that struggles with not feeling like I am a burden really took a hit that night and even though we talked it out I was rattled for most of the day. I ended up taking the wrong meds that night and doubling down on all of my daytime medicines and missing my night ones.
It threw me off for all of the rest of that night and Sunday. I was in pain, I wasn't able to do as much, I was feeling ill because of the meds. It all started with something so simple as that. It also scared me a little. I have forgotten meds before, but I've never accidentally taken the same meds again before and I don't want to make that mistake ever again. it also just reminds me how fragile what we've strung together for me here is. We're doing great, but this is by no means a solid platform and can't go on forever, which is part of why I really need that surgery.
Eventually with that, I can take my walking outside, not having to worry about taking up the living room. With the surgery, I'll be able to go out and od things for fun. Instead of rewarding myself with food, I could reward myself with a movie or going to an arcade or even just going window shopping. And when I get stressed and upset and cooped up, I could try and leave the house. At this point my desire to get away from the stress at times outweigh's my agoraphobia. I need to work hard and get there.
And I am working hard. I did my first quad lap of my living room today. That's a total of 200 feet without sitting down. That's the furthest I have been able to walk in -forever-. I paired that with increasing my laps to 20 total laps of the living room in each session. That is a total of 2000 feet a day just during my walking sessions. Which isn't a lot for normal people, but for me is a big deal.
I go to get weighed on May 7th, so we will get to see how all of this work has played out. Though, I am also a bit worried about how it is going to go. I have had some rough points, but I know this is probably just my same usual worry coming into play and not anything truly real. On that day, they are going to be performing an REE (Resting Energy Expendiature) during which I will have to lay down for about an hour with a big bubble over my head and just breath, not moving, not sleeping, just lay there and breath and it will tell them how many calories I burn before taking into account calories burned to eat (which is a thing) or moving or anything else.
They are doing this, because they are wanting to fine tune my diet. I don't know if they are just worried I lost too much too quickly, or if it is something else, but now I have started hearing from the dietitian that is coming out tomorrow and from the nurse that the weight loss clinic might be wanting me to take in -more- calories than I currently am, to make sure that I remain healthy. Which I know I want to be healthy, but there is a part of me that is terrified of them wanting me to eat more. I don't want to rock the boat if this is working. Then again, if I need it, I could feel better and more energized to do my work. I guess we just have to wait and see.
photo credit: karate image via photopin (license)
No comments:
Post a Comment