Yesterday I met with the nutritionist and we discussed my diet. Apparently my endocrinologist is estimating I need 4000-4600 calories right now and a metric ton of protein. The protein I was aware of, but that calorie level had never entered into any of our discussions. This is a temporary estimate until we can get the REE (resting energy expenditure) done next week, but it is still quite a big change from the 2200-2500 I have been getting right now. They are worried that I am going to start having muscle wasting if I don't eat enough calories and that my body will go into starvation mood.
The nutritionist wants me to get in another 1000 calories a day in the form of 500 calorie meals at breakfast and lunch in addition to my usual shakes. On the one hand, this seems reasonable. I want to lose my weight healthily, I don't want to go about it in such a way that I am hurting myself. On the other hand, 1000 calories a day is a lot more than I have been doing on most days and i'm really worried about this negatively impacting my weight loss in general. They say that if my metabolism goes into starvation mode and slows down, that I will lose weight less efficiently, but I can't help but be frightened about this screwing up my timeline for surgery.
I've just been so focused on this really strict diet and really strict activity regimen for the last two months and I have to admit, I am starting to get utterly exhausted. I don't know how much of it is psychological because of what they are telling me (both with me letting my brain feel exhausted because they say it might be weakening me as well as my just anxiety about what this will do to me if I increase my calories making me feel sick).I don't know how much of it is just the truth of what they are saying setting in or something else all together.
I just know that I am in the home stretch right now, less than 100 pounds to go towards surgery and I want to be there this summer getting it. I want to get out of this house. I want to wave my nerd flag and be there opening night of Star Wars. I want to be able to do so much, but am terrified of any change that might end up causing me to throw that off.
Today hasn't been a big help. I feel sick, I've been feeling nauseous off and on all day today. It seems to happen the most when I think about my diet and everything related to it, so it probably -is- psychological. Then again, our neighbors are getting sick and they come over quite often to visit my mother and sister. My sister isn't feeling well either. I could just be having a bug that is exacerbating all of this.
However which way you wish to cut it though, my physical therapist put me on a reduced schedule for today and tomorrow to try and give me a chance to recover. She is also trying to get the mental health nurse out here, because they didn't see me this week and apparently they are swamped right now. I need that mental health care to help try and keep on track.
This is a time, and it is a big part of the uggghs, where I tend to second guess myself all the time. I feel like I've been downhill all week since my birthday and I don't know if that is just circumstances or if I have messed myself up in some way down the line. It feels like my anxiety is out of control. I've been trying what I can to distract myself, to meditate as best I can. I have never been all that good at it. And mainly, I just try and remind myself that next Thursday I have my weigh in and my REE. I can do this modified diet until then and we can refine it and then I will see where I am in my weight loss goal. As much as I want to get there ahead of schedule, I have two more months to get where I want to go and that could be simply 30 pounds per month which at this point isn't too hard to accomplish. I just have to stay focused.
One thing I am going to do my damnedest not to do is to turn to food during this time of the uggghs, that is the worst thing possible. that I could do. I will have something nice that fits within my calorie restrictions, but it will be within the restrictions. Maybe I will buy myself a new game to distract myself with in my free time. I've been looking at GTA V for a while for the PC and it is the start of a new month here so my very very limited entertainment budget should be able to just accomodate it.
photo credit: three day's in hospital with the not so little one... via photopin (license)
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