4-12-2015 Food Addiction

First I wanted to say that I am sorry for the lack of posts this last week. My computer started having some pretty serious issues and I had to end up packing it off and sending it to get repaired. The computer I am on is my older one and I've had to spend some time getting it up and running and updated and all of that. Plus in general it has just been a crazy week. Should get my main computer back in a week or two. We'll see. estimated time once they get it is 5-10 days.

This has been an especially rough week for me. I am not quite sure of what specifically is the cause of it. It didn't start immediately, but right around Easter is when it started for me and it's really progressed since then. It is likely a combination of things that has helped contribute to it. Though the most visible effect has been for me trying to deal with the food addiction.

This week has been very rough for me for wanting to cheat on the diet and have other foods.People always say it's just a choice, it just takes willpower. And yes it does take willpower, but it isn't so -easy- as that. Food addiction is a very real thing. When I get to wanting something I don't just have an urge and have to tell myself no. I feel my palms get sweaty and I actually start to get shaky as I tell myself no. I've had to clasp my hands really tightly together and tuck them under myself because I've been wanting these extra special foods that aren't good for me.

The closest I have come to going off is that I did allow myself a beef jerky bit on a day when I had missed a shake due to a nap I took and I needed just an added punch of protein. That helped curb the desire a little, but I am reminded this week that deal with my food addiction is going to be a long term thing and even though I can be good for long periods, I will still get that desire and I will have to fight it. It is a matter of life and death.

I think that the important thing though is not to take the Alcoholics Anonymous approach to addiction. For one thing, I just physically can't. I need to eat and I can't avoid it completely. But also the AA approach seems geared around this idea of if you can't follow the program perfectly it is your own fault. It's very black and white in a world that isn't black and white. And they do nothing to teach healthy relationships and moderation. it breeds an idea that 'oh I fucked up so I might as well just give over big since I've made a mistake' rather than a healthy approach that 'okay you made a mistake, it was a small one, it wasn't a big deal, the issue is when it is -too- much so go back and get back on track.' And that is the approach I am trying to do with food.

That is why I have a Friday cheat day. I've been allowing myself treats on those days to help with teaching me a healthy relationship with food. I have a small dessert on those days, but it's small and it's not big. My cheat days started off with these huge extravagant meals and I've been slowly paring them down. And it has been helping with my diet and my cravings a lot, though this week has been a struggle. I think it is other things contributing tot he issue this week though.

As I said, Easter is when it started and I think that may well be because of how the schedule for the day got messed up for me and how it through me off. I usually have a dinner at 6 o'clock. That is my 'real food' meal of the day when I usually have a lean cuisine or some other small meal. On Easter my family had company over so the plan was to eat at 2 o'clock. As such I skipped my 2pm shake in order to eat. However, dinner kept getting pushed back until it was 4: 30. As such my entire schedule, even with modified got thrown off. I missed shakes and probably ate more as a result of that. And then when 6 o'clock came around, because my body was trained to eat then it quickly became dissatisfied with the shake I drank then. I ended up having 5 crackers that evening at 9 o'clock to quiet my stomach. It wasn't bad for my diet doing that, but it felt like weakness, felt like a failure and the next few days I felt off and was having cravings just from that one day being off.

It hasn't helped that I haven't spoken with a therapist in almost three weeks now. If I don't see one this week it will be the third week in a row come Tuesday where I haven't seen one. We switched to providence home health mental health because the county felt I wasn't being seen enough by my old Psychologist, but this isn't helping either. And I think that not having someone to talk to has been impacting my mental health. Despite my progress with the weight loss, I've been having a lot more mood issues. I've been off and depressed more and pessimistic and that is either coming from my struggles this week with the food desires or is exacerbating those issues.

It also hasn't helped that I have been feeling sick. Maybe it has been brought on by all of this stress, but I've got this throbbing stabbing pain in the right side of my head, I've been running a low grade fever and at times been feeling nauseous. So that has fed the depression and that just makes me feel worse. In the past food has always been something used as a technique to try and help me feel better, food for medicine, just one more aspect of that addiction, so I've been having to push those usual steps to the side and just tough it out.

It's just  really rough. But I'm going to get through this. I have to. I keep trying to tell myself that I can do this. If I am on track for my weight loss goal, I should be around 733 or so. If I am at the same rate of weight loss as during that three week period before this, I am closer to 727. If I can get to 690, I will be able to schedule to see the surgeon and we'll be another step closer to surgery. Just have to tough this out.